After 5 losses, Emmy was our promising 6th pregnancy. I was FULL of anxiety. Every doctor’s appointment I would sit in my car shaking, crying, and texting Sean. There is a reason he was at 99% of my appointments. We were both a mess. I remember when I was around 10 weeks my nurse told me to go to L&D to get checked out for some possible complications. This was something we had experienced too many times. I remember sitting on the bed and Sean becoming inconsolable. I just sat from a distance and my heart BROKE. This baby meant EVERYTHING. Luckily everything checked out but I was put on bed rest. It seemed like we had continual scares every month. I was so ready to have that baby in my arms so my anxiety could go away.

WRONG.

Soon after coming home with Emmy, I started having these “visions” where I would see horrible things happening to Emmy. I would be on a walk when I would see her stroller being pushed into the river by some teenage punks, that I would trip while carrying her around and crushing her little body, and that she would fall out of my arms and tumble down the stairs to her death. These things happened at the moment and felt very real. However I just contributed it to being a new mom, and that moms always worry about their babies. It should just “fade away”. Well. It didn’t.

At Emmy’s baby blessing Sean’s aunt came up to me and asked how I was REALLY doing. I said “good! Just stressed” I’m sure she could see the fear behind my eyes as she talked to me. I told her how I just felt overwhelmed with all the family around and everyone asking me stuff. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. She said she totally understood because she got anxiety at parties too. It was at that moment I knew something was wrong. I usually LOVE parties. I LOVE being social. I LOVE big groups of people- especially my family. What is wrong with me?

I began reaching out to friends and searching google. Everything came up with postpartum depression(PPD) BUT I only had one of the 20 “signs”. I didn’t cry for no reason. I wasn’t avoiding leaving my home. I didn’t lose any interest in my hobbies or activities. I wasn’t exhibiting the typical signs. However, it was in talking to my friends I learned that PPD a tree with a lot of different branches. There is PP OCD, PP rage, and PP anxiety just to name a few.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to get help. If you don’t feel

“Normal” that’s okay. There is no shame in talking to your doctor.

It was then I realized that I did fit the description of postpartum anxiety (PPA). I didn’t sleep, I had visions of Emmy dying 24/7, when I did sleep and I looked at her all I would see is a dead baby, I trusted other people with my baby 100x more than I did with myself. If you ever saw me walking around with my baby in my arms or carrier it’s because I forced myself to do it. I could only sleep if someone had Emmy in their arms. I felt that in MY care she wouldn’t survive. That’s when I learned that “Women who have had a miscarriage or stillbirth are more susceptible to postpartum anxiety and depression with a subsequent healthy delivery, according to a study by the University of Rochester in New York, because they’re so worried something else might go wrong.” That was absolutely me.

I went in and talked to my doctor. He even said she suspected something during our last visit. He gave me a list of things I could do every day to help my anxiety and left it open to me if I wanted to try medication. I knew I needed that extra help. Guess what?

My world changed. In a couple of weeks, the visions became less frequent. I didn’t see a dead baby. I wasn’t eating all day. I could sleep! However, it also gave me some awful debilitating side effects. So I got off that medication and started another. Different side effects but still affecting my ability to function. What is frustrating is you have to be on it for multiple weeks to see if it’s even helping. At that point and time, I was able to function better with the anxiety than the side effects of the medication.

Now 18 months PP and I still have a lot of anxiety. I’m learning how to manage it, but at times it sneaks up on me- still. I’m learning more about how to self regulate what I can. I tell people I’m a hot mess, and I am. I don’t sleep as I should and because of that everything else. I wish the medication worked for me. There may be a time I need to go in a try yet another medication, but for right now what I am doing seems to be manageable.

I struggle. I may always struggle. I may experience those floods in a week or month. Postpartum disorders show up at random and there is no timeline. If you know a mom (just not new) check in on her. If you experienced something PP it’s okay to talk about it. There is no shame in sharing your burden with those around you.

You’re enough, mama. I see you. I hear you. I feel for you. It’s okay. I’m here for you if you need help. Seriously, give me a call or send me a text/message. You’re not alone.

–Lizzy

*If you or anyone you know is struggling please get help. You can call National Postpartum Depression Warmline: 1-800-PPD-MOMS

https://drsarahallen.com/is-it-postpartum-depression-or-something-else/
https://www.postpartum.net/
https://adaa.org/find-help-for/women/postpartum-disorders